God loved us first - yup, He did

God loved us first.

I realized that it is of utmost importance for us to understand that it is God who loved us first. This simple truth carries a huge and wonderful and life-changing meaning from it. Realizing and absorbing what this fact means is such a revitalizing and freeing feeling. It’s a very magical and splendid thing – that God loved us first.

Hey, God loved us first.

Just, wow. Even before we were born, God knew us and planned the best outcome for our lives and how he would love us. Even before we came to know Him (or even if we don’t know Him yet) God loved us already. Even before our parents met, and their parents met and their grandparents met – God already loved us. Before we even knew who we were, who he was – he loved us. I don’t know how much more astonished I can sound to be, but It’s really a wonderful realization to know that God loved us looooooong before we could even care.

God loved us first. How is that supposed to be astonishing? Because even before we proved to be best in English, best in Math, best employee, best daughter, best son, best parents, best singers, best puzzle solvers, best cake bakers, best fans, best hairdressers… God, you see, He already loved us. Even when we were still struggling writers, struggling singers, struggling human beings, God was already looking at us with eyes full of love. Even before we thought and believed we are something, God has already been eyeing us as apples of His eyes. Even before pageants, to God we were already his universe.

So why are we trying so hard? Why are we always trying to please others? Why are we always aiming to be better for the people around us than for our God and for ourselves? Why are we so afraid of being left alone if we’re “no one” in this world? Why are we so afraid of not being the best in this world? Why are we bothering to have the best cars? The best mansions? The best gadgets? Why are we bothering too much about them that we forget that even if we have nothing, the love that has been given to us before time began will always remain?

Most of all, why must we lose hope with every failure and mistake we commit? Why are we scared to fail? In effect, being scared to fail makes us want to control things… leading us to trust less. So why are we afraid to trust, if to begin with there is this constant love from our constantly loving and able God?

This is a liberating truth: God loved us first. It's liberating to know that the God of the macro and the micro, the beginning and the end, the grand designer of this amazing universe loves every square inch of our being. It's freedom to come to the realization of such an unconditional and out of this world love. God so loved the world (and every single being in it) that He sent even His own Son for our sins. 

God soooo loved you and me– and there is nothing we can do to change it. J

Work Hard, Pray Harder!

My worldly struggle…

I am currently in the middle of probably the greatest and longest battle I have faced so far. And that battle is against myself. It is more than true to say that the hardest battles ever fought are the ones we fight within ourselves. As a growing Christian, I see myself as a human being which contains a part of the old and a part of the new me. And those different sides of me are in constant clash – from the moment I wake up, to the last memories I make before I go to a slumber. Sometimes, even my sleep opens up a subconscious that contains the battles I fight when I’m awake. True enough, life is a constant battle between good and evil.

Believe it or not, I know I am in this constant fight (actually, not only me but all of us, I believe). It’s just that sometimes I succumb to the more convenient side – this is when I give in to the temptations that are usually the most convenient and, consequently, the most enticing path to take. On the other hand, there are times when I wage the war, raise my flag and declare a full blown war. This is when I decide to not give in and use all I’ve got to win the war against the bad. Sadly, no matter which path I take, I feel that I usually end up always on the losing end. I usually feel I am always in fighting a losing battle.

My true struggle…

I think that one of the most deceiving traps I always fall into when it comes to praying, is believing that the act in itself will solve my needs. I noticed that since I believed that prayer is vital, I pray about my problems, my desires, my woes and my deepest hurts. And indeed, there is nothing more radical and life-changing than the realization of the importance and impact of praying in our lives.

However, I always fall wayward with the act itself. Sometimes I find it easy to deceive myself that I am letting go and letting God in when I am praying; but deep inside I actually am not. It is easy to go to God and tell Him my deepest desires, down on my knees with the most emotional words; then get up and feel revived in doing things continually in again, my own way. Silly enough, I find myself being fooled that I’ve lifted up my woes to the heavens, only to find myself fighting my wars using my own limited and ceasing will power. The reason why I feel tired and exhausted and sick of all the things I struggle with is because I carry my own load. I go to God in words and in thoughts, by my actions are always from my own mistrusting ways. I never truly learned to let go, I just fulfilled the need to “utter words of prayer”… which most of the time are just empty and phony words. This is at the very least true for one person here on earth – me.

So with this, it will always be impossible to surpass challenges on my own, I realized. Whether we admit it or not, we are very, very limited beings. Limited to our own desires, biases and skills. Even on my best state, I know I am still imperfect.

“Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God, everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

So the Lord tells us… with Him everything is possible. When God whispers this in my heart, I find myself letting out a little smile. I realized I have been foolish to take matters into my own hands, my own decisions and my own concept of justice, while there is a God that has already provided me with everything that I will ever need… and more!

The Lord offers us all, but still, we have to make the most life-changing first step – and that is a step of pure faith. Faith as small as the mustard seed, yet as genuine as a refined gold is pleasing to God, not flowery words that are empty.

Believing and faith would mean obedience – but it would be truly hard to obey if there is no trust. The only way for us to trust the Lord is to encounter His love in our lives. So we go back to the true love of Christ – the love that changes and molds us into better being. It is love, not demands nor expectations that God has for us. God only looks at us with love. This love may be as incomprehensible to human beings who have awoken to this world with a human-being type of love. But the love of God is felt in the heart by those who open up to Him. To those who take a leap of faith and trust in Him no matter what.

My prayer is that when I find myself in another battle against myself, I would find the wisdom to take a step back, lift up my arms up to the heavens and surrender, truly, my deepest needs and emotions. I pray that I would learn to let go and let God do his thing. 

For “when we work, WE work. But when WE PRAY, GOD WORKS.”

Hallelujah! God loves you! <3

I'm a Late-Comer Vineyard Worker

I know I shouldn’t be surprised at all, but the bible as the living word has never ceased to amaze me with its wonder. I’ve probably read and heard the parable of the vineyard workers several times since I’ve come to know Christ. But this story, just like the rest of the bible, always surprises me with new revelations that speak to me directly. I haven’t been blogging (per se) for a long time since I’ve been into poems lately (hehe) but I am compelled to write about the wonderful realization I have been inspired in one of my daily quiet times.

~O~

The parable of the vineyard workers (Matthew 20:1-16), as some may already know, is the story of a generous vineyard owner who gave the standard amount of wage to all of his workers, regardless of the time they got hired to work. I have always associated myself with the jealous and selfish early workers who expected more for themselves and less for those who came late. How could I not? This world I live in from kindergarten to this life in the corporate world had taught me that to perform more and beyond is the only way to garner a prize; the greater the prize you aspire for, the more investment you should give. This performance-based society has shown me that to gain something big, I must sacrifice and relentlessly give something greater than anyone else can. This is the sad reality that we live in... and will physically die in.

It’s easy to associate ourselves withthis type of vineyard workers because all of us are enclosed in this cultured society. This is why associating (and even seeing!) myself with the second group of vineyard workers, the late-comers, came to me as a surprise.

The second type of vineyard workers, those who were called almost near closing time probably spent their time either idling around or hopelessly (and vainly) looking for work. They could’ve been the group of unqualified people, who gather in the market place looking do to something or work for someone but probably never got hired. They could’ve been those who already gave up on life thinking that life gave up on them. These could’ve been the people who spend the rest of their days doing monkey-business or doing nothing at all! These could’ve been the group of people who were looking at the horizon as the sun was about to set and thinking to themselves... “For what reason will I get up tomorrow morning again?”

Then here comes this ridiculously rich vineyard owner, ridiculously offering them work at such an hour! Hope comes in just as the night sets in and the second group of workers find themselves in a vineyard toiling for something, living a purpose. Most of the time, I am every one of these vineyard workers. Idling around, walking aimlessly in my life. And when asked, I would say “... because no one has hired me yet.” Or in other words, no passion has taken me to explore yet, no love has swept me off my feet to involve myself in something worthwhile yet. Most of my life so far, I spent idling around, hoping and getting disappointed, and looking for my purpose yet not finding it in any.

In a way, I think we have all come to be this second group of vineyard workers - late-comers. Late in allowing God into our hearts, late into realizing that the way of the Lord was right after all, late in realizing that waiting in faith could’ve been more fruitful than hollow actions. Also, we all were made to feel unqualified in one or more aspects. We all were made to feel useless and almost nearing the longest nights of our lives.

Then the Lord comes – with His scandalizing generosity and Love. He offers us life, better than the one offered by this short-lived world. Compared to the eternity He gives us with Him, life here on earth is as short as the dusking. Bright and beautiful at some point, colourful at one... but eventually dark. No matter how unqualified we seem to be, He changes and qualifies us. The vineyard owner never tested the workers before giving them real work. No, He was actually on a giving spree! He wanted to give to as many as He can, even extending till the end of day to hire His people. He was the one who made the bystanders qualified; Him and nothing else.

What’s more impeccable is – these people who seemed to be at the bottom of the food chain, received the very things the first comers received! How great is that?! As weird as it may seem to some, all of us are undeserving of a full day’s pay, not even the earliest Christians who died for Christ! (So if they aren’t, how much more me, right!?) Human beings will never come at par with God in His holiness. But this God of ours gives all, and not just gives, give freely and joyfully and cheerfully and generously to beings who will never ever in their Earthly lives deserve anything, really. This is such a wonderful truth – the generosity, love and power of the Lord who made us and cares for even our smallest and deepest needs.

So when the Lord calls, I bet there is nothing left for us to do but to follow. Qualification and timing? That is beyond us. It is true that man will always fall short of the Lord’s standards. But where we fall short, that’s where Jesus takes it all in His shoulders and carries us with Him.

Amen to the God who is able!

Coffee Shop Musings

Been at my lowest and now coming back,
Throughout my journey, there are things that I've packed
Some are things that I know I should sack
Others... I know I very well lack

But ironically, there are these things
Things that're just funny and those that are real
There are things that're genuine, true musings
And there are things that just steal our real beings

Deceit; just let me say it straight
They linger well, just like our veins
Thin and lurking, inside us - our pains
But funny, we nurse pain like it's something sane

Deceit; how much lie is in your brain?
Like you're unworthy, incapable and lame?
That you're born a sinner, a forever shame?
Funny, sometimes we let lies come down like rain

Deceit; when we drown in it, isn't it time to see?
What's real and true and will forever be
And that's the God who we call Almighty
Almighty in all, our one true Daddy

He says He knew us before we came to be
Surely, even before Adam met his Eve
And even before that I bet there already is
Our blueprint of perfection awaiting the meant to be

So who says that you're lame? Give that guy this riddle
Put an end to the cycle of deceitful fiddle
Spread the truth of the love that has no hurdles
'Coz this is what's real, not those lies that belittle

So walk in truth and spread the love
Like Jesus did, when he spread His arms
Be an infection of love and warmth
Not a deception that leads to war

Look

Look not on yourself and pity

Look at the flowers, they're pretty

Look not at your woes and sighs

Look on the mountains - a wondrous sight

Look not at those sunken eyes

Look at a baby's refreshing smile

Look not at the brokenness inside

But on the true peace that resides

Look not into your life that's bleak

Look at the stars, the light, they speak

Look not at the night that's seemingly endless

Look at your life that's blessed, regardless

Look at the true story of your life

Not at the lies that steal that smile

Look at the hope above the strife

Look around at the blessings that arise

Look at the joys that come uncalled for

Despite the lions of your life that roar

Look at the Lord that's always been there

Not on this world that'll soon be nowhere

Look.

'Coz only when the eyes that open

Are those that free one's heart that's broken

Only then can one truly see

The purest Love and how it can be

A Tear for my Father's Sake

As sin beckons, I agree

A sweet promise unto me

For a moment I try to hold still

Yet still succumb to temporary glee.

But when the acts are done and I lie awake,

With all sins done, my heart can't take

And a tear escapes before I can bade

A tear for me and my Father's sake.

I know I'm not alone in the feeling of failing our Lord and Father over and over again. Yet for everything I've done and will do, I know the love of God saves. Always.

Just Some Questions

Tell me - is it, really?

Real faith - if you knew it all?

Real love - if you want returns?

Real hope - if you want control?

Tell me now - is there?

Is there love if you count it all?

Count all you do and ask for more?

Is love just a feeling that credits bore?

Tell me now - is there?

Is there faith if it's calculated?

You can't see, then get frustrated?

Is faith just concealed understanding, overrated?

Tell me now - is there?

Is there forgiveness with enlisted sins?

Say "forgiven" with a heartless grin?

Is forgiveness just  a faceless sin?

Stalemate

It seems like its been so long, yet just yesterday when I decided to accept Christ into my life. There was nothing drastic about my transformation. It seemed like something that just clicked. No life or death moments - only dramatic thoughts and situations a 17-year old teenager can find herself into. But, boy, was there joy and triumph, indeed. The joy of surrender, of letting go; of knowing that there IS someone greater who will be able to make things right for me. And for that all I ever have to do is obey, and surrender -- love. I loved those moments. Moments of freedom, of something I can call divine carelessness, of having people of the same faith surround me and not judge me. It was literally heaven for me, the new freeing faith that has come to embrace me.

But as my college education came to a close, so did the convenience of having a faith community. Convenience, yup, might be a very scandalous term. But there is convenience in such a setting, especially for a young christian like me. It wasn't hard to do quiet times, to have bible studies, have praise and worship and be brave for Christ if you are surrounded by people who do the same.

Definitely, being a Christian outside my comfort zone was something I learned to admit as a struggle when I was already in it. I missed my faith community, people who would sing praises to God with me at random times of the day, people who can step out of their "mp-time" just so they could hear you out. God, I miss Formdev a lot. But I realized, not because I miss the convenience. In fact, it wasn't convenience, that's for sure. Sure, it is hard to stay connected to God when you're busy at work and just want to sleep instead of reading His word, of watching an american series instead of praying to Him and going out to relax instead of being in His presence where there is ultimate peace. But it was also hard even back then - explaining to people why you suddenly prefer different things than before, why you can be so happy despite troubles because you know there is your God somewhere fixing stuff for you, and learning to love selflessly because you know you have been loved that way, and by Him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a Christian is easy and difficult, at the same time. And definitely, growing into a better one everyday is more challenging. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a stalemate, not growing, not giving myself so I don't gain anything within me. Most of the time I feel so far away, that my God, my heavenly Father who knows every strand of my hair can't even see me. Sometimes I feel like I've lost it.

That's my biggest fear probably - losing my God. But everyday He finds ways to remind me that I can NEVER lose Him. And that He would never want to lose me. I feel I am in a stalemate, only because i never really allow myself to move forward; because I never allow God to move me forward. Only He can lift me up and move me. I just have to allow that.

I wish I can go back to the 17-year old me, who only knew to surrender her worries to her Powerful and Mighty and Loving God.

What We Call Our Numbered Days

My days are numbered - this I believe

My ways are foolish, don't know when,

   when do I concede?

Will I pursue, lose my sight

   yet gain the light?

Or shall I not bend, 

   stick with my proclaimed might?

I press on.. believing my own right

Knowing that I,

   I will always win my fights

Yet tell me this, 

   tell me one thing right

Is there joy in fighting and winning,

   in battling yourself is there delight?

Eventually one falters - like a baby,

   all just wants rest

A fight won and lost to oneself, things

   may just be better, never best

'Cause in the end we all want 

   to be just cradled in a nest

Truly, our days our numbered; not knowing

   we might be on our crest

I break down and bend

   and yes - I lose my gaze

Lost my will and might,

   saw it set ablaze

Yet the day grow bright

   and my God calls my name

The God of the universe just

   awaits my face

I say "My God, I have nothing but shame,

   these bones are dry..."

"Daughter.." he says, "By sin and shame

   do not be dazed,

have I not told you yet 

   of my unending grace?

All mountains may crumble,

   seas may go dry

All the earth may not see

   the sun shine its light

the birds may forget

   the tunes of their melody

and the flower's bloom may be lost

   in a memory.

But My child, never, never will my

   love forget to embrace

never will my pow'r forget, as my

   infinite mercy forever saves"

"My Father, take me back - this is

   all I my cry..."

"It is done, My Child,"

   'twas His reply

Oh my days, they truly, truly

   are numbered

But with my Lord, my God, it's

   a forever... we remember.