The Art of Returning

It's been more than a year now since my last published post. In my heart though, I feel that my soul has been dry and weary in a way that's equivalent to more than a thousand years already. I entitled this post as "The Art of Returning." But am I really returning, and for real this time? No one knows - even I don't know for sure. How do you return anyway? I can imagine it as an art, not because it's beautiful, but because it's tragic yet compelling at the same time. 

To return, you have to know where you've gone to. But you see, I've no clue where my ship was sailing thus far. How do you return if you can't retrace your steps? Retrace steps you can't even call your own.. for all except the shape and size match your feet; but the will, the desire that brought about every marking step, you don't recall any coming from your heart. Or maybe, in the process of treading your path, you've forgotten why you've taken the first step in the first place. Once in  a while people get lost. Some find their way back, while others.. they stay, they continue, they take a different route. Leaving and returning, surely in one way or another will change you.

To return is an ugly thing, simply put. The world goes only in 1 direction (as far as we've proven)  that's why trying to return will always be as nasty as it gets. Try to get back in time, you'll just lose more time. Try to return to your old self, you'll realize the irreversible nature of your new self. You can only pass by that point in time, that decision, that moment once.

To return is a lie; one can never return. It will always be an obsession we can dawdle on but never attain. Least we can do is accept our current state, move on, but never dream of returning.

To return is an art. We will always have a different eye for it. It will always be a thing we can aspire for but will never take an ultimate tangible form. It will always be something that we'll chase.

The good thing is we don't have to return. I read somewhere that we always perceive the past to be better that it actually was, our present lifeless than it actually is, and the future more scary that it actually will be. 

So instead of returning, maybe I can try restarting? Turning my "now" into a new starting point. I will never be able to clean my past slate and make it gleam. But good thing my future is a blank canvass yet to be tinkered with.

Why it's all about the Pope, but not really :)

It's a paradox, well at least for me, how the Papal visit is all about the Pope yet not about him at all. 

Since his arrival last Thursday, I have been one of the millions of Catholics who in one way or another have this mixed emotions of excitement, longing and love for the person we look up to as the Vicar of Christ on Earth. I am by all means and all ends thrilled with the fact that the Pope will walk (or ride on) the very streets I walked. It's overwhelming to think that it is in this lifetime that our Holy Father himself would come to us.

However, I also have this fear at the back of my head. I wanted to make his visit spiritually meaningful to me. I did not want to go to him upholding him like some kind of celebrity. I feared I might, because it's very easy to fall into doing that. There's a thin line that divides admiration and worship. In the end, I feared that I might forget that this is all about the one true High Priest, Jesus Christ.

I went to attend the Pope's encounter with the families and blood rigorously pumped into my veins as I awaited seeing his face with that calming smile painted. All the people were excited, I surely was! All around the energy of brothers and sisters in faith, no matter what religion, was invigorating. Used-to-be-strangers-and-now-friends-in-faith are swapping stories all around me. People seem to be on a high, never letting even the looming clouds above threatening rain worry us. And I was there, basking in the sea of stories of God's love. It's a wonderful feeling. Just being there, doing nothing, but being blessed all around.

Seeing the Pope's face truly was something. I never got as close, but his presence seemed to send out an aura of lightness and purity. He was real and genuine. And that's when it hit me.

I realized that his trip was all about him, yet all about Jesus at the same time. Why? Because HE was all about JESUS! He is a living example for us Christians of the look and feel of what being all about Jesus is! It totally blew my mind when I realized that the Pope himself was a gigantic magnifying glass of the Christ that we should and can be. His being is an announcement to everyone that Christianity is more than being imperfect and okay with it -- it's being imperfect yet shinning the light of Jesus in ways that outwit our imperfections.

That was the Pope to me. His tireless, gentle and comforting smile that never fades nor lack sincerity, his mighty, radical and very Christ-like stand to glaring issues that divide the world, his utter humility on asking US to pray a prayer that he very much needs and his amazing love for the poor, the sick and the children -- all of these are fleshed in that 78-year old body. And it's just wonderful to know that that is the power of Jesus, our God. 

The Pope isn't just here for us to capture into our phones and admire from afar. He is someone whom we should aspire to be. The lightness that he brings to people, is the same lightness we can bring to a friend in need, a neighbor down and lost. The kisses he give around are the same kisses we can bestow our loved ones we've forgotten to give affection to. The full attention that he shows us is the same amount of time we invest in our relationships that put Christ at the center. The compassion that he shows is but the same compassion that we should have to our fellowmen, friends and strangers alike during times of low or even high. Friends, the Pope isn't trying to be the best Francis that he is, because just like you and I, he can only be so much. I believe he is trying to be the best Christian  he can be, as unbounded as the love of Christ. 

So in the end, it's still all about Jesus. It's always about that man who willingly gave his life to people who hadn't loved nor know Him yet. It's the same Christ that inspired the Pope, and the same Christ that should compel us to spread his love to every single person.

After all, we are all God's children, all He called by name. There's Francis, and he's doing well. Then there's us, how are we doing? The God of all is thrilled to know all about us, I bet.

Hello 2015, hello off-beat steps!

Whether new year or not, what better way to wake up one morning than with the enthusiasm to change for the better? :) 

New year's resolutions may be a hollow thing for most already, but the desire to change and hope (regardless of the moment) will never grow old for me. It's true, we don't need any new year celebration or any change of calendar to better ourselves in renewed hope. In fact, time is in a way irrelevant to hoping anew. The new year coming in is just a beautiful reminder, at least for me, of hope for new tomorrows that will always come for us.

Thus... ang bagong bihis ng blog na ito!! *teneeeenen!*

~0~

Aside from the binge watching of movies, splurging in food and sleep, I'm blessed to have found the time to reflect upon how the year has been for me in response to how I have been to it. Man, to be honest, my holidays haven't been as 'holy' as I have imagined and planned spending it. I have actually struggled a lot throughout. I had a lot of wee-hour wrestling with God, questioning Him, giving up, then hoping, then giving up on Him. I have probably faced one of the hardest inner struggles of my life, in time for Christ our savior's birth! Talk about timing.

I remember the emptiness I would feel as I lay in bed. I would wonder, is Christmas really on its way? Christ about to be born? Then why can't I sense His heart beating in mine? New year about to come? Questions... and a lot more questions would flood me as the sun finds its way back to my sky. Only then would I sleep a restless sleep.

It's baffling, from the standpoint I had then. How could I have gotten so low, from the highs that I have experienced with my God? I would ponder. Probably I and many more have asked and will ask this a few more times in our journey to the fullness of Christ.

Then came this fateful New Year's eve. I seldom hear my mother's personal prayers. But as she prayed for us before the meal that mornight, I had a full experience of the love and forgiveness of our almighty Father. She prayed for the things I could not and would not pray for. She prayed a forgiveness that I would not have asked and given. She prayed of a love that I would have long buried. She prayed a prayer that made the mistakes of 2014 into take aways for 2015. She prayed a prayer that did not change God's will, but changed me. She prayed a prayer that spoke of love and forgiveness. 

And finally, with a light and peaceful heart, we said our Amen.

~0~

From there, I willed to change for the better to be more bold in my being Christ-like. I'm a million miles away, but the first step I take is a step closer to Him. And this new vibe in my blog is one of my first steps. I would like to include you in my journey through these changes. From the stiff unbending ways I try to see the world, I will live this 2015 with less fears and more trust to the God who fights my battles beside me. 

I won't aim to be into the beat perfectly, because I never will be. From now on, I'll embrace being off the beat... yet never off the course (His ways!).

Hello 2015! Let's be crazy for God this year!

God loved us first - yup, He did

God loved us first.

I realized that it is of utmost importance for us to understand that it is God who loved us first. This simple truth carries a huge and wonderful and life-changing meaning from it. Realizing and absorbing what this fact means is such a revitalizing and freeing feeling. It’s a very magical and splendid thing – that God loved us first.

Hey, God loved us first.

Just, wow. Even before we were born, God knew us and planned the best outcome for our lives and how he would love us. Even before we came to know Him (or even if we don’t know Him yet) God loved us already. Even before our parents met, and their parents met and their grandparents met – God already loved us. Before we even knew who we were, who he was – he loved us. I don’t know how much more astonished I can sound to be, but It’s really a wonderful realization to know that God loved us looooooong before we could even care.

God loved us first. How is that supposed to be astonishing? Because even before we proved to be best in English, best in Math, best employee, best daughter, best son, best parents, best singers, best puzzle solvers, best cake bakers, best fans, best hairdressers… God, you see, He already loved us. Even when we were still struggling writers, struggling singers, struggling human beings, God was already looking at us with eyes full of love. Even before we thought and believed we are something, God has already been eyeing us as apples of His eyes. Even before pageants, to God we were already his universe.

So why are we trying so hard? Why are we always trying to please others? Why are we always aiming to be better for the people around us than for our God and for ourselves? Why are we so afraid of being left alone if we’re “no one” in this world? Why are we so afraid of not being the best in this world? Why are we bothering to have the best cars? The best mansions? The best gadgets? Why are we bothering too much about them that we forget that even if we have nothing, the love that has been given to us before time began will always remain?

Most of all, why must we lose hope with every failure and mistake we commit? Why are we scared to fail? In effect, being scared to fail makes us want to control things… leading us to trust less. So why are we afraid to trust, if to begin with there is this constant love from our constantly loving and able God?

This is a liberating truth: God loved us first. It's liberating to know that the God of the macro and the micro, the beginning and the end, the grand designer of this amazing universe loves every square inch of our being. It's freedom to come to the realization of such an unconditional and out of this world love. God so loved the world (and every single being in it) that He sent even His own Son for our sins. 

God soooo loved you and me– and there is nothing we can do to change it. J

Work Hard, Pray Harder!

My worldly struggle…

I am currently in the middle of probably the greatest and longest battle I have faced so far. And that battle is against myself. It is more than true to say that the hardest battles ever fought are the ones we fight within ourselves. As a growing Christian, I see myself as a human being which contains a part of the old and a part of the new me. And those different sides of me are in constant clash – from the moment I wake up, to the last memories I make before I go to a slumber. Sometimes, even my sleep opens up a subconscious that contains the battles I fight when I’m awake. True enough, life is a constant battle between good and evil.

Believe it or not, I know I am in this constant fight (actually, not only me but all of us, I believe). It’s just that sometimes I succumb to the more convenient side – this is when I give in to the temptations that are usually the most convenient and, consequently, the most enticing path to take. On the other hand, there are times when I wage the war, raise my flag and declare a full blown war. This is when I decide to not give in and use all I’ve got to win the war against the bad. Sadly, no matter which path I take, I feel that I usually end up always on the losing end. I usually feel I am always in fighting a losing battle.

My true struggle…

I think that one of the most deceiving traps I always fall into when it comes to praying, is believing that the act in itself will solve my needs. I noticed that since I believed that prayer is vital, I pray about my problems, my desires, my woes and my deepest hurts. And indeed, there is nothing more radical and life-changing than the realization of the importance and impact of praying in our lives.

However, I always fall wayward with the act itself. Sometimes I find it easy to deceive myself that I am letting go and letting God in when I am praying; but deep inside I actually am not. It is easy to go to God and tell Him my deepest desires, down on my knees with the most emotional words; then get up and feel revived in doing things continually in again, my own way. Silly enough, I find myself being fooled that I’ve lifted up my woes to the heavens, only to find myself fighting my wars using my own limited and ceasing will power. The reason why I feel tired and exhausted and sick of all the things I struggle with is because I carry my own load. I go to God in words and in thoughts, by my actions are always from my own mistrusting ways. I never truly learned to let go, I just fulfilled the need to “utter words of prayer”… which most of the time are just empty and phony words. This is at the very least true for one person here on earth – me.

So with this, it will always be impossible to surpass challenges on my own, I realized. Whether we admit it or not, we are very, very limited beings. Limited to our own desires, biases and skills. Even on my best state, I know I am still imperfect.

“Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God, everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

So the Lord tells us… with Him everything is possible. When God whispers this in my heart, I find myself letting out a little smile. I realized I have been foolish to take matters into my own hands, my own decisions and my own concept of justice, while there is a God that has already provided me with everything that I will ever need… and more!

The Lord offers us all, but still, we have to make the most life-changing first step – and that is a step of pure faith. Faith as small as the mustard seed, yet as genuine as a refined gold is pleasing to God, not flowery words that are empty.

Believing and faith would mean obedience – but it would be truly hard to obey if there is no trust. The only way for us to trust the Lord is to encounter His love in our lives. So we go back to the true love of Christ – the love that changes and molds us into better being. It is love, not demands nor expectations that God has for us. God only looks at us with love. This love may be as incomprehensible to human beings who have awoken to this world with a human-being type of love. But the love of God is felt in the heart by those who open up to Him. To those who take a leap of faith and trust in Him no matter what.

My prayer is that when I find myself in another battle against myself, I would find the wisdom to take a step back, lift up my arms up to the heavens and surrender, truly, my deepest needs and emotions. I pray that I would learn to let go and let God do his thing. 

For “when we work, WE work. But when WE PRAY, GOD WORKS.”

Hallelujah! God loves you! <3

I'm a Late-Comer Vineyard Worker

I know I shouldn’t be surprised at all, but the bible as the living word has never ceased to amaze me with its wonder. I’ve probably read and heard the parable of the vineyard workers several times since I’ve come to know Christ. But this story, just like the rest of the bible, always surprises me with new revelations that speak to me directly. I haven’t been blogging (per se) for a long time since I’ve been into poems lately (hehe) but I am compelled to write about the wonderful realization I have been inspired in one of my daily quiet times.

~O~

The parable of the vineyard workers (Matthew 20:1-16), as some may already know, is the story of a generous vineyard owner who gave the standard amount of wage to all of his workers, regardless of the time they got hired to work. I have always associated myself with the jealous and selfish early workers who expected more for themselves and less for those who came late. How could I not? This world I live in from kindergarten to this life in the corporate world had taught me that to perform more and beyond is the only way to garner a prize; the greater the prize you aspire for, the more investment you should give. This performance-based society has shown me that to gain something big, I must sacrifice and relentlessly give something greater than anyone else can. This is the sad reality that we live in... and will physically die in.

It’s easy to associate ourselves withthis type of vineyard workers because all of us are enclosed in this cultured society. This is why associating (and even seeing!) myself with the second group of vineyard workers, the late-comers, came to me as a surprise.

The second type of vineyard workers, those who were called almost near closing time probably spent their time either idling around or hopelessly (and vainly) looking for work. They could’ve been the group of unqualified people, who gather in the market place looking do to something or work for someone but probably never got hired. They could’ve been those who already gave up on life thinking that life gave up on them. These could’ve been the people who spend the rest of their days doing monkey-business or doing nothing at all! These could’ve been the group of people who were looking at the horizon as the sun was about to set and thinking to themselves... “For what reason will I get up tomorrow morning again?”

Then here comes this ridiculously rich vineyard owner, ridiculously offering them work at such an hour! Hope comes in just as the night sets in and the second group of workers find themselves in a vineyard toiling for something, living a purpose. Most of the time, I am every one of these vineyard workers. Idling around, walking aimlessly in my life. And when asked, I would say “... because no one has hired me yet.” Or in other words, no passion has taken me to explore yet, no love has swept me off my feet to involve myself in something worthwhile yet. Most of my life so far, I spent idling around, hoping and getting disappointed, and looking for my purpose yet not finding it in any.

In a way, I think we have all come to be this second group of vineyard workers - late-comers. Late in allowing God into our hearts, late into realizing that the way of the Lord was right after all, late in realizing that waiting in faith could’ve been more fruitful than hollow actions. Also, we all were made to feel unqualified in one or more aspects. We all were made to feel useless and almost nearing the longest nights of our lives.

Then the Lord comes – with His scandalizing generosity and Love. He offers us life, better than the one offered by this short-lived world. Compared to the eternity He gives us with Him, life here on earth is as short as the dusking. Bright and beautiful at some point, colourful at one... but eventually dark. No matter how unqualified we seem to be, He changes and qualifies us. The vineyard owner never tested the workers before giving them real work. No, He was actually on a giving spree! He wanted to give to as many as He can, even extending till the end of day to hire His people. He was the one who made the bystanders qualified; Him and nothing else.

What’s more impeccable is – these people who seemed to be at the bottom of the food chain, received the very things the first comers received! How great is that?! As weird as it may seem to some, all of us are undeserving of a full day’s pay, not even the earliest Christians who died for Christ! (So if they aren’t, how much more me, right!?) Human beings will never come at par with God in His holiness. But this God of ours gives all, and not just gives, give freely and joyfully and cheerfully and generously to beings who will never ever in their Earthly lives deserve anything, really. This is such a wonderful truth – the generosity, love and power of the Lord who made us and cares for even our smallest and deepest needs.

So when the Lord calls, I bet there is nothing left for us to do but to follow. Qualification and timing? That is beyond us. It is true that man will always fall short of the Lord’s standards. But where we fall short, that’s where Jesus takes it all in His shoulders and carries us with Him.

Amen to the God who is able!

Coffee Shop Musings

Been at my lowest and now coming back,
Throughout my journey, there are things that I've packed
Some are things that I know I should sack
Others... I know I very well lack

But ironically, there are these things
Things that're just funny and those that are real
There are things that're genuine, true musings
And there are things that just steal our real beings

Deceit; just let me say it straight
They linger well, just like our veins
Thin and lurking, inside us - our pains
But funny, we nurse pain like it's something sane

Deceit; how much lie is in your brain?
Like you're unworthy, incapable and lame?
That you're born a sinner, a forever shame?
Funny, sometimes we let lies come down like rain

Deceit; when we drown in it, isn't it time to see?
What's real and true and will forever be
And that's the God who we call Almighty
Almighty in all, our one true Daddy

He says He knew us before we came to be
Surely, even before Adam met his Eve
And even before that I bet there already is
Our blueprint of perfection awaiting the meant to be

So who says that you're lame? Give that guy this riddle
Put an end to the cycle of deceitful fiddle
Spread the truth of the love that has no hurdles
'Coz this is what's real, not those lies that belittle

So walk in truth and spread the love
Like Jesus did, when he spread His arms
Be an infection of love and warmth
Not a deception that leads to war