My worldly struggle…
I am currently in the middle of
probably the greatest and longest battle I have faced so far. And that battle
is against myself. It is more than true to say that the hardest battles ever
fought are the ones we fight within ourselves. As a growing Christian, I see myself
as a human being which contains a part of the old and a part of the new me. And
those different sides of me are in constant clash – from the moment I wake up,
to the last memories I make before I go to a slumber. Sometimes, even my sleep
opens up a subconscious that contains the battles I fight when I’m awake. True
enough, life is a constant battle between good and evil.
Believe it or not, I know I am in
this constant fight (actually, not only me but all of us, I believe). It’s just
that sometimes I succumb to the more convenient side – this is when I give in to
the temptations that are usually the most convenient and, consequently, the
most enticing path to take. On the other hand, there are times when I wage the
war, raise my flag and declare a full blown war. This is when I decide to not
give in and use all I’ve got to win the war against the bad. Sadly, no matter
which path I take, I feel that I usually end up always on the losing end. I
usually feel I am always in fighting a losing battle.
My true struggle…
I think that one of the most
deceiving traps I always fall into when it comes to praying, is believing that
the act in itself will solve my needs. I noticed that since I believed that
prayer is vital, I pray about my problems, my desires, my woes and my deepest
hurts. And indeed, there is nothing more radical and life-changing than the
realization of the importance and impact of praying in our lives.
However, I always fall wayward
with the act itself. Sometimes I find it easy to deceive myself that I am
letting go and letting God in when I am praying; but deep inside I actually am
not. It is easy to go to God and tell Him my deepest desires, down on my knees
with the most emotional words; then get up and feel revived in doing things
continually in again, my own way. Silly enough, I find myself being fooled that
I’ve lifted up my woes to the heavens, only to find myself fighting my wars
using my own limited and ceasing will power. The reason why I feel tired and
exhausted and sick of all the things I struggle with is because I carry my own
load. I go to God in words and in thoughts, by my actions are always from my
own mistrusting ways. I never truly learned to let go, I just fulfilled the
need to “utter words of prayer”… which most of the time are just empty and
phony words. This is at the very least true for one person here on earth – me.
So with this, it will always be
impossible to surpass challenges on my own, I realized. Whether we admit it or
not, we are very, very limited beings. Limited to our own desires, biases and
skills. Even on my best state, I know I am still imperfect.
“Humanly speaking, it is
impossible. But with God, everything is possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
So the Lord tells us… with Him
everything is possible. When God whispers this in my heart, I find myself
letting out a little smile. I realized I have been foolish to take matters into
my own hands, my own decisions and my own concept of justice, while there is a
God that has already provided me with everything that I will ever need… and
more!
The Lord offers us all, but still,
we have to make the most life-changing first step – and that is a step of pure
faith. Faith as small as the mustard seed, yet as genuine as a refined gold is
pleasing to God, not flowery words that are empty.
Believing and faith would mean obedience
– but it would be truly hard to obey if there is no trust. The only way for us
to trust the Lord is to encounter His love in our lives. So we go back to the
true love of Christ – the love that changes and molds us into better being. It
is love, not demands nor expectations that God has for us. God only looks at us
with love. This love may be as incomprehensible to human beings who have awoken
to this world with a human-being type of love. But the love of God is felt in
the heart by those who open up to Him. To those who take a leap of faith and
trust in Him no matter what.
My prayer is that when I find
myself in another battle against myself, I would find the wisdom to take a step
back, lift up my arms up to the heavens and surrender, truly, my deepest needs
and emotions. I pray that I would learn to let go and let God do his thing.
For
“when we work, WE work. But when WE PRAY, GOD WORKS.”
Hallelujah! God loves you! <3
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