Stalemate

It seems like its been so long, yet just yesterday when I decided to accept Christ into my life. There was nothing drastic about my transformation. It seemed like something that just clicked. No life or death moments - only dramatic thoughts and situations a 17-year old teenager can find herself into. But, boy, was there joy and triumph, indeed. The joy of surrender, of letting go; of knowing that there IS someone greater who will be able to make things right for me. And for that all I ever have to do is obey, and surrender -- love. I loved those moments. Moments of freedom, of something I can call divine carelessness, of having people of the same faith surround me and not judge me. It was literally heaven for me, the new freeing faith that has come to embrace me.

But as my college education came to a close, so did the convenience of having a faith community. Convenience, yup, might be a very scandalous term. But there is convenience in such a setting, especially for a young christian like me. It wasn't hard to do quiet times, to have bible studies, have praise and worship and be brave for Christ if you are surrounded by people who do the same.

Definitely, being a Christian outside my comfort zone was something I learned to admit as a struggle when I was already in it. I missed my faith community, people who would sing praises to God with me at random times of the day, people who can step out of their "mp-time" just so they could hear you out. God, I miss Formdev a lot. But I realized, not because I miss the convenience. In fact, it wasn't convenience, that's for sure. Sure, it is hard to stay connected to God when you're busy at work and just want to sleep instead of reading His word, of watching an american series instead of praying to Him and going out to relax instead of being in His presence where there is ultimate peace. But it was also hard even back then - explaining to people why you suddenly prefer different things than before, why you can be so happy despite troubles because you know there is your God somewhere fixing stuff for you, and learning to love selflessly because you know you have been loved that way, and by Him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a Christian is easy and difficult, at the same time. And definitely, growing into a better one everyday is more challenging. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a stalemate, not growing, not giving myself so I don't gain anything within me. Most of the time I feel so far away, that my God, my heavenly Father who knows every strand of my hair can't even see me. Sometimes I feel like I've lost it.

That's my biggest fear probably - losing my God. But everyday He finds ways to remind me that I can NEVER lose Him. And that He would never want to lose me. I feel I am in a stalemate, only because i never really allow myself to move forward; because I never allow God to move me forward. Only He can lift me up and move me. I just have to allow that.

I wish I can go back to the 17-year old me, who only knew to surrender her worries to her Powerful and Mighty and Loving God.