Just Some Questions

Tell me - is it, really?

Real faith - if you knew it all?

Real love - if you want returns?

Real hope - if you want control?

Tell me now - is there?

Is there love if you count it all?

Count all you do and ask for more?

Is love just a feeling that credits bore?

Tell me now - is there?

Is there faith if it's calculated?

You can't see, then get frustrated?

Is faith just concealed understanding, overrated?

Tell me now - is there?

Is there forgiveness with enlisted sins?

Say "forgiven" with a heartless grin?

Is forgiveness just  a faceless sin?

Stalemate

It seems like its been so long, yet just yesterday when I decided to accept Christ into my life. There was nothing drastic about my transformation. It seemed like something that just clicked. No life or death moments - only dramatic thoughts and situations a 17-year old teenager can find herself into. But, boy, was there joy and triumph, indeed. The joy of surrender, of letting go; of knowing that there IS someone greater who will be able to make things right for me. And for that all I ever have to do is obey, and surrender -- love. I loved those moments. Moments of freedom, of something I can call divine carelessness, of having people of the same faith surround me and not judge me. It was literally heaven for me, the new freeing faith that has come to embrace me.

But as my college education came to a close, so did the convenience of having a faith community. Convenience, yup, might be a very scandalous term. But there is convenience in such a setting, especially for a young christian like me. It wasn't hard to do quiet times, to have bible studies, have praise and worship and be brave for Christ if you are surrounded by people who do the same.

Definitely, being a Christian outside my comfort zone was something I learned to admit as a struggle when I was already in it. I missed my faith community, people who would sing praises to God with me at random times of the day, people who can step out of their "mp-time" just so they could hear you out. God, I miss Formdev a lot. But I realized, not because I miss the convenience. In fact, it wasn't convenience, that's for sure. Sure, it is hard to stay connected to God when you're busy at work and just want to sleep instead of reading His word, of watching an american series instead of praying to Him and going out to relax instead of being in His presence where there is ultimate peace. But it was also hard even back then - explaining to people why you suddenly prefer different things than before, why you can be so happy despite troubles because you know there is your God somewhere fixing stuff for you, and learning to love selflessly because you know you have been loved that way, and by Him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being a Christian is easy and difficult, at the same time. And definitely, growing into a better one everyday is more challenging. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a stalemate, not growing, not giving myself so I don't gain anything within me. Most of the time I feel so far away, that my God, my heavenly Father who knows every strand of my hair can't even see me. Sometimes I feel like I've lost it.

That's my biggest fear probably - losing my God. But everyday He finds ways to remind me that I can NEVER lose Him. And that He would never want to lose me. I feel I am in a stalemate, only because i never really allow myself to move forward; because I never allow God to move me forward. Only He can lift me up and move me. I just have to allow that.

I wish I can go back to the 17-year old me, who only knew to surrender her worries to her Powerful and Mighty and Loving God.

What We Call Our Numbered Days

My days are numbered - this I believe

My ways are foolish, don't know when,

   when do I concede?

Will I pursue, lose my sight

   yet gain the light?

Or shall I not bend, 

   stick with my proclaimed might?

I press on.. believing my own right

Knowing that I,

   I will always win my fights

Yet tell me this, 

   tell me one thing right

Is there joy in fighting and winning,

   in battling yourself is there delight?

Eventually one falters - like a baby,

   all just wants rest

A fight won and lost to oneself, things

   may just be better, never best

'Cause in the end we all want 

   to be just cradled in a nest

Truly, our days our numbered; not knowing

   we might be on our crest

I break down and bend

   and yes - I lose my gaze

Lost my will and might,

   saw it set ablaze

Yet the day grow bright

   and my God calls my name

The God of the universe just

   awaits my face

I say "My God, I have nothing but shame,

   these bones are dry..."

"Daughter.." he says, "By sin and shame

   do not be dazed,

have I not told you yet 

   of my unending grace?

All mountains may crumble,

   seas may go dry

All the earth may not see

   the sun shine its light

the birds may forget

   the tunes of their melody

and the flower's bloom may be lost

   in a memory.

But My child, never, never will my

   love forget to embrace

never will my pow'r forget, as my

   infinite mercy forever saves"

"My Father, take me back - this is

   all I my cry..."

"It is done, My Child,"

   'twas His reply

Oh my days, they truly, truly

   are numbered

But with my Lord, my God, it's

   a forever... we remember.