Because I miss my Lula

I miss my Lula. I miss my Lula so bad I found myself crying in the middle of the intense UAAP Game 1. Funny as the situation may look, it was not fun for me. It was the first time for me (in Lula's 17 days of passing away) to have the courage to say I miss her - and say it not only in my mind. It was the only time when I verbally admitted that I AM missing her and probably am not strong enough to get by perfectly yet. I always form in my head the situations where I would tell her that I already found a job, that it was hard to get in but I did, that I will be signing the contract soon, and that I will be graduating soon. In my mind I see her usual glow and happiness for me, I would embrace her and she would tell me that she is proud of me. All these things we'll do... given she is still here every time I come home.

I would always look at her bed now occupied with our beddings and imagine her sleeping, coughing a little bit. And I tell my self, I wouldn't mind if she'd call me every minute just to massage here leg... I really wouldn't mind if only she were here. I also wouldn't mind if she'd ask me to remove her white hair, or comb her hair, or feed her or massage her head.. I really wouldn't mind. Oh God I really miss her. I miss her so much that somehow I feel envious that God is with her and I know they're happy while I am here, along with my other relatives missing her..

But I know it's wrong..

There is still this happiness inside of me, hope that is brought about by the Love of God. Though I know I wouldn't mind doing all of these for Lula given she is still alive, I know I also wouldn't mind if God had already given rest to Lula - such that I would never hear her breathing hard again, or coughing till she's red, or simply telling me it hurts so much. I also wouldn't mind her being painless and happy and fulfilled with the Lord now.. it's the best thing I can wish for her..

There is pain... but in this sorrow I find God's love. It's not really that hard to see the Love of God in pain. We just don't have to let own pains and sufferings cloud the love that is finding its way to us. I know I'll get by soon.

Lula I love you so much... and I miss you soo soooo much.